Lament of a lady "Gone by the Dogs"

There was time, there really was,
When I was young and tender,
when "show dog" meant a Disney star
and "bitch" was not a gender.

I went to bed at half-past ten,
I went to church on Sunday,
On Saturday, I baked the beans
and did the wash on Monday.

But then, I got a certain pup,
an erstwhile friend said "Show!" 
And, so I did and so I do.
Oh, what I didn´t know!

Once I dressed with flair and style;
That was life - don´t knock it!  
Now every dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume.
I used to smell like Nuit d´Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom!

My furniture was haute decor,
My pets, a tank of guppies. 
Now I´ve furniture that is unstuffed
and well-adjusted puppies.

I used to long for furs and jewels,
and a figure classed as "super".
But now the thing I long for most
is a nice new pooper-scooper!

I was taught to be well-groomed
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do
is in the handler´s tent.

While once I spoke in pristine prose,
in dulcent tones and frail,   
I now am using language
that would turn a sailor pale. 

I adored a man who murmured verse
through intimate little dinners.
But now the words I thrill to hear 
are just three - " Best-of-Winners!" 

I really love my doggy life;
I wouldn´t care to change it.
But when I get that Best-in-Show,
I could maybe rearrange it. 

And when my days on earth are done
I´ll go wihtout much nudging;
Just give me three weeks´ closing time,
and let me know who´s judging.


  1. Thought the house was too orderly
  2. Never did like having a full nights sleep
  3. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
  4. Thought the furniture looked too nice
  5. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
  6. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
  7. Neighbors didn't complain enough
  8. Kids weren't enough of a challenge
  9. If you can train & show one dog, why not ten?
  10. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

" That's nothing", an American replied."We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Dear Dog Owner,

Are you experiencing too many reserves and 2nd places to inferior animals in the dog show ring?

In the agility and/or obedience ring, does your dog forget his own name?

Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.

Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working and showing.

Also bundle up your dog and send him/her to the dog owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.

In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper.

Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own dog back.

Dogs in Heat

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'  Mum says, 'No, because the dog is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asks the child.  'Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage'.

The little girl goes to the garage and says. 'Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.'

Dad says, 'Bring Susie over here.' He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's rear with it and says, 'OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad says, 'Where's Susie"'  The little girl says, 'Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home.